Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
