They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize