No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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