just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
