My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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