I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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