I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
