I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
