im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
