I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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