I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
