you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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