You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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