If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
