As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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