she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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