i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
