Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
