I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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