I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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