Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize