The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
