Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
