Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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