your parents love me but you hate me
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
