Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
