What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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