My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
