just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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