i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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