my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
