K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize