i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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