so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
