gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
