Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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