I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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