probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
