You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
