I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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