threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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