my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
