so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
