I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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