You're a womanizer and a bitch.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize