you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
