Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
