i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
