I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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