I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
