He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
