I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
