At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
