why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
