Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
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