For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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