I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
