We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
