The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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