did you get engaged???
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
