You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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