I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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